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6 And I was led by the Spirit, not knowingbeforehand the things which I should do.

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Thursday, May 1, 2008

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Where do I begin?
I wish that I could explain exactly how I feel right now. How can I explain how empty I feel with out saying that I feel full? That obviously makes no sence, but living alone has been a challenge I didn't know I needed. I seem to be walking around in a cloud again, completely unaware of anyone around me. I feel like some type of a zombie who only awakens for brief moments during the day and then my mind shuts off again.
Stephen has been gone for nerely 5 months. Technically I should be used to sleeping in an empty large house alone. However, I am no closer to sleeping peacefully then I was December 14th, the day he left. I listen to many voices over the phone all day, then I hear his voice for ten minutes or less. This is no where near what my mind needs. It is useless to try and drag a conversation out longer than it needs to be, we would end up sitting silently while waisting our precious cell phone minutes. It is impossible to know what he is thinking when I can not read his face, I can only hear his voice and assume he misses me just as much as I miss him.
I hit a car the other day. I think that is when I realized I was actually a zombie, or a soul-less person. I couldn't even concentrate long enough to drive normally. I just had to back into a car to make my life a tiny bit more complicated. I can tell, all over my face, how stressed I really am; yet, somehow I manage to lie to myself long enough to make it through the day at work, then I am completely silent at home without a bed or television to take the pain away.
I realized what has made my pain even more unbearable. I started reading... Not just any book, but a book that is a complete fantasy, so far fantastic that it makes me want what the main character in the book has: "true love". I do have true love, but he is far far far away!
I may even be a bit jealous of this "bella" character. She seems to have it all and doesn't even realize how great it is. I loved the second book in the series when he went away, that felt so real to me. It felt good, good to see her in my pain, going through those emotions. But all good things must come to an end and of course her "true love" comes back and they live happily ever after... all the way through the damn third book!! Just in case you were wondering, LIFE does not turn out that way, it is FAR from what you would actually imagine.
I honestly thought marriage was going to be some fairytale. Sure I had been told it was no picnic, but I did not listen, not even for a second. It would take away from the happiness I thought I was going to feel once I was sealed in the Temple. Don't get me wrong, I am happier now, but I saw it differently. The fairytale has left me complete broke and a little bit heart broken. I bet no one would get married if they knew they were going to suffer more than they thought possible as a singleton.
Living single has it perks, you dream. I dreamt about how perfect my life would be, how perfect my little house and children would be. I dreamt about my husband having the most perfect job that made me happy and him happy. I dreamt that he loved children and loved me more. I dreamt that I was going to get to call all of the shots and somehow we would just be an amazing power couple together. Dreaming is what kept me going after passing through 5 intense years at BYU. I got to dream that I was saving myself for the most incredible experience: Marriage.
Ok, so that seems a little off the subject of my new and constant pain, because my life is fantastic. I am merely trying to say that it is not fantastic in the way I had once imagined, not even close. I can't keep reading books that are too perfect or watching romantic movies that make women believe these perfect type of men actually exsist. The moments that are supposed to happen never do. I don't care who you are, things do not turn out how you think they will, if you are reading this saying to yourself that I am wrong, please don't continue to dilude yourself.
I am; however, truly happy in my life, just a little misunderstanding, I guess. I thought somehow I would just discover my path and that would be it... little did I know I would actually have to work for what I wanted. I will accomplish my goals someday, just a little behind schedule I think. I have found true happiness in my marriage and it did take longer than I thought it would. I can understand why so many people are scared to fully commit to another person. It is a true sacrifice only the strongest people will make in their lives and hold true to.
None of this really makes sense, so I will try to sum it up. LIFE IS NOT A FAIRYTALE! I guess I could have just said that and been done with it, now you know too much of my personal anguish and will probably wonder what is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong: everything is right, it just took twenty six years to figure out.
Happiness is not around the corner, it is staring you in the face.

2 comments:

Ty and Annie Tanner family said...

Oh my goodness! So good to finally know where you are....you are so stinkin' cute! We don't have the internet right now because we are getting ready to move. I am at my parents right now and I have to make this quick. I will make sure to check in again very soon!
Love ya and miss ya!

Jake said...

Good to see that you have a blog! I will make sure and add you so we can see how everything is going once you move to New Mexico.