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Friday, December 20, 2013

An Apology

In an effort to change the course of my life, I am reaching out to others, through my blog, to apologize for the misdeeds I have done.  I surely can not remember them all; however, here are a few that have stayed with me through the years.
1991: I was a new girl in a school in Kingman.  I had made a few friends, but one friend had somehow become my best friend.  Veronica Moline.  She was new, too, that year.  We were in some sort of a fight, an honestly, I have no idea what about, but I said something that was over the line. "Your parents got a divorce because of you." 
It was unacceptable.  There is no excuse for saying hurtful things to others.  I was wrong and I apologize.
7th grade: I had a great friend, Heidi Schoolmeester.  I have no idea what we were fighting about, but at lunch recess we got into a huge fight.  No hitting occurred; however, this fight ended our friendship.  It took meeting up through blogging to realize what a mistake that fight had been.  We have so much in common, I can see why we were friends.  I was wrong to stop being friends with her and I apologize.
High School:  There were so many misdeeds in high school.  I was often cruel and judgmental. I ask for forgiveness for my terrible, unacceptable behavior.  I can give countless experiences where I said or did something that was past the point of just being fun.  I knew a boy who couldn't shower as possibly his home didn't have running water.  As a consequence, he stunk.  I, and a few others, called him "pigpen".  Wow, children are so cruel!  I have no idea what his real name is and if I could, I would give him a giant hug and say sorry. 
There was a girl in one of my classes that wore the same pants a lot.  I kept track.  It was rude.  Maybe she loved the pants, maybe that was one of 3 pairs of pants she owned.  I don't know.  However, I am sorry.  I know she knew I was keeping track.  I can't imagine the pain I must have caused.
 High School is tough for everyone, and I apologize if I made it harder for you.
There is a saying, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all".  Oh, how I have tried to be better at that in my adult life. 
College: I pulled a lot of pranks in college, and luckily, I don't think a single one of them involved hurting another person.  Phew.  However, I was not always kind and respectful of my roommates.  I had one roommate, whom I didn't want to live with.  I actually didn't know her before she moved in and would continually try to move her name out of my apartment.  She would always move it back.  I apologize for not being open minded enough to allow someone different in to my life. 
I had two roommates whom I really liked; however, for some reason they did not like each other.  I did not help in that matter.  I would use the other to gain kinship with the opposite roommate.  It was wrong.  I would change that, today, if I could. I could keep going, but know that if I went to college with you and I wronged you, I am sincerely sorry for my behavior.  Know, that today, I am a better person.
I had a very dear best friend growing up.  We would laugh and laugh and laugh.  We even lived together in Texas for a while.  Things didn't always work out with us, though.  There are too many things to name, but know, that I am sorry.  I could name some excuses; however, they do not take away the pain I have caused her.  I am forever grateful for her friendship.  She taught me to be kind, loving, and to not pass judgment.  Her heart is so big. 
My sister:  I have an older sister.  We were each other's best friends.  We played for hours together.  We rode horses together.  We swam together.  We shared a room.  We shared toys.  We shared a life.  I was not always the best, most loving, sister.  I would intentionally leave her out.  When we started high school together, I would ignore her.  I was often cruel.  Luckily, she has forgiven me for most of my transgressions; however, I would like to publicly say that Sharla is my very best friend.  We talk 2-3 times a day and are there for each other.  If you know her, know that I am one step behind her and always willing to back her up.  I love her.  I apologize for my many, countless misdeed and lies.  I was wrong.
My Mother: I do not even know where to begin.  I was mean to my Mom starting at age 7.  I remember the exact incident when I told her I hated her.  We were in the office standing by the candy machines.  I said it.  I didn't mean it.  I knew it would hurt her.  I apologize.  My Mom came to visit me at college once.  We were having a talk and I said that I didn't like her talking to me like I was a child.  Little did I know, I was still a child.  It hurt her feelings.  It was wrong.  I apologize.  I have never been the sweetest little girl to my Mom.  I am so glad that I have had the last 12 years to make that up to her.  She is my rock.  She ALWAYS helps me.  ALWAYS!  She would do anything for me.  I mean, ANYTHING!  She has always been a mother to me, and that is what I needed more than a friend.  She has corrected me when I am wrong.  She has loved me when I was at my very lowest point.  She is brave.  She has watched me walk a different path and kept her judgments to herself.  She is amazing.  I am a better person because of her. 
My Father:  I have to say, luckily, I can not think of a single incident that I intentionally wronged my father.  I did not heed his advice once and it led me down a path that was hard and laborious to recover from.  This does not mean I have not wronged him.  I am sure I have and for my lack of memory, I am sorry. 
My Siblings:  I apologize.  Simple blanket apology.
To my children: This list could go on forever, but know that I am not perfect.  Know that I am learning each and every day to control my temper.  I am sorry that you have ever had to see that side of me.  You are both great children and I apologize for my mistakes as a mother.
To my spouse:  I am not sure there is enough words to say sorry to you.  You are my everything and when I can remember that perfectly, our lives with be brilliant.  At nearly 8 years of marriage, I have realized one thing indefinitely,  I am a huge pain in the ass.  Consider this my blanket apology for the past, present, and future. 
If you are reading this and you think, she left me out.  She did that horrible thing to me and has completely forgotten.  I am sorry.  Truly, sorry.  Please accept this as my formal apology.  I promise, I am working to be a better more accepting person who does not pass judgment no matter what the circumstance. 
I am sorry. 
I love you.
Julie (Skousen) Barnes

5 comments:

Heidi said...

Ohhhhh Jules, I am crying right now! I honestly don't remember much about our little tiff, but am glad we became friends again!!!! Love ya!!!!

KT said...

Judith K. You, my dear, are amazing. I love you more than words can say. You have been a wonderful sister and role model in my life. You are so strong and capable. You are a much better person than you give yourself credit for. Keep on keeping on, i know you will do just fine.

KT said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Micah and Melinda said...

I never ever thought you were anything but so sweet! I'm so glad we were friends in school and have reconnected now!

Paul and Aliisa said...

I hope you know how much I love you. I really do! I can honestly say that rooming with you made my life better through a very trying time in my life. I am surprised that a horse-racing girl became one of my best friends. And I do think your sister Sharla is quite wonderful as well :) I appreciate your friendship even with my oddness. (Trust me, I KNOW I am unusual) and don't know how to be normal. I actually ask my husband how to be a normal LDS mom. I don't know how. I look forward to seeing you and your family some day. Love ya!