2018 Family Moto

35 They were desirous to be baptized as a witness and a testimony that they were willing to serve God with all their hearts; Mosiah 21:35

"Make sure they remember joy yesterday, experience joy today, and anticipate joy tomorrow."

Motherhood Mission Statement

To provide a loving environment that is centered around God and His commandments while effectively teaching my children to love, honor, and respect all Men no matter the race, creed, or background.

Click on Nolen's name to hear our amazing journey through autism.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

I cautiously and every so slightly wave the white flag

I surrender.

This voice is screaming inside my head.

I quit.

I really do not know what I am doing.  I know less today than I did 10 years ago.  How is it even possible to lose precious knowledge as I get older?  I do not think I am getting any wiser.  Just dumber. (Or is it more dumb?)

At this point in my life, I want to walk the walk of shame and drag my little white flag behind me as I realize I know nothing.  At all.  About parenting.  Or about being a wife.  Or about life in general.

I have very little knowledge about being a friend and I even manege to screw that up.  A lot.

There is no finer moment than the moment your seven year old yells from the back of the car, "I hate you! I hate school! I hate my teacher! I hate learning and I want to die and go to Hell!"

Someone please tell me this is typical seven year old behavior.  I felt defeated in that moment.  I reached for him to give him a hug and he quickly moved away from me.  Flinching as if I had the plague.

My heart hurt.  Actually, it still hurts.

His anger reminds me of my own childhood anger.  I felt constantly misunderstood.

This year I have been trying to spend more time with my children and less time with unimportant things that seem to bog me down during the typical day.  I wait until my children are in bed before I look at Facebook.  I have even slowed down blogging.  (AH!)  I have been taking my boys on lots of fun errands and trips.

Today, none of that mattered.  I was the worst mom in the world.  He begged me for a new family.  He said he didn't belong in this family.  He wants to live somewhere else with someone else who understands his seven year old plight.

Who am I to raise a child?  I am no one.  I wanted to be a fun mom.  I wanted to be the "friend" mom.  I wanted to play and play and play with my children.  Then, real life got in the way of my plans.  I was going to be the mom that all the other kids wished was there mom.  This statement so far from who I am today.

I am a mean mom.

There really is, after all, no way around it.  I was handed a serving of humble pie when Nolen was diagnosed with autism and I just can't go back to being that fun mom anymore. I worry.  A lot.

I like to space out and ignore my kids sometimes.  Do you do that?  I hear them playing their iPads and I think, oh good, they don't need me and their not fighting.  Everything is fine.  But it's not fine.

Everything is not fine.

The more I try to change, the harder it becomes.  How true is this in your life?  I feel like I make a real effort to change something about myself and the next day it is nearly impossible to even think about changing.

I don't want to give up, but seriously, I want to give up!  Can raising children please be a little bit easier and a little more fun?  Can being a wife please be just a little bit less stressful?  I've put so many expectations on myself that full filling them has become impossible.

Be skinny.
By happy.
Be a friend.
Be selfless.
Be a good mom.
Be a beautiful wife.
Be a good singer.
Be a good photographer.
Have a beautiful home.

It all sounds so easy.  But it's not.

So here I stand.  Waving my white flag begging for some relief.  I give up.  You win.


Cairo Mommy said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are an exceptional mom. Some days and honestly some years are so so hard. Kids have tough days too...it stinks when everyone is having a rough day together. Just reread your post before this one. You love your kids and they love you. I believe that we aren't randomly placed into families but that we are with the people we are supposed to be with who we can help and can help us in this life and prepare us for eternity. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...it has to, right? XO

don arroyo said...

Good for you! Being a mom is tough. Having a kid with autism will help you see a world that no one knows except for those few special people. You express how you want to wave the white flag is just a confirmation on how much you care. I was a terror to my parents growing up,but I am so thankful to my mom for always loving me unconditionally! The older I get the more I appreciate it. I could not understand it at that age,but the example burnt in my mind of the love she gave me will never change. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Andrea Landaker said...

When they grow up they probably won't even remember yelling those words or whatever you're being "mean" about.

But they will remember that you were always there for them and loved them no matter what. :-)

Thanks for being a great friend!