L A R P

I remember the first time I heard the term LARP. I was confused. I did not understand the coolness that is associated with the term.  Sometimes I get parenting wrong. Very wrong. And sometimes I get parenting right.  Tonight I played live-action Minecraft with the boys. We had a blast.

 Our no more stupid stuff is still on and thriving. Even though Nolen ended the game in tears, I was still able to sing a song to soothe his soul. Each night, before the boys go to bed, I usually sing them a song. Sometimes they pick twinkle twinkle little fart and other times they pick twinkle twinkle little Minecraft. Tonight they picked a child's prayer. One of my favorite songs from the children's hymnbook. It makes my heart feel good to know that they still love to hear me sing before they go to bed.

10 Years as a Forever Family

 10 Years with St. Patty has been fabulous!

  

Every year we learn more and more that relationships work because both people are devoted to one another.  I have found that love is more about what you are willing to give up for one another and what you are willing to do for the greater good of the relationship than the actual feeling of "love".  There is so much more to love than love.

 Stephen got me the MOST amazing lens for our anniversary! I can not wait to use it!

My parents drove here to Albuquerque to take care of the boys so Stephen and I could go on a two night spa adventure alone.  They are amazing.

On our way out of town, we had our anniversary dinner at The Cheese Cake Factory!

 It was DELICIOUS!  I was so stuffed, I really didn't think I would ever eat again.

After eating we headed down to Truth or Consequences for a relaxing spa weekend.

 We ate, we got massages, we ate again, we sat in the hot springs, and we ate some more.  It was heavenly.

While we were gone, my parents took the boys to ride a balloon.  They had a blast!

 I am so grateful to my parents for taking good care of my boys and getting them to where they needed to be for the weekend.  I am so lucky to have them in my life.  I love them more than words can express.

I have always tried to get a family picture on the 17th just to document how much we have changed over the years.  It is amazing how different we are 10 years later.

I love Stephen.  We love each other.  We have found this year to be a difficult year but we have also chosen to stay with one another and work side by side to have a beautiful happily ever after.

Digging our way out

Debt

I hate it.  We all hate it.  Stephen and I have been on a get rid of debt mission.  It has been very difficult.  We live in a world where waiting for something we want is not acceptable any more.  If I want something, I want it right away, and I don't want to have to wait to pay for it when I have the money. 

That's the problem.

I absolutely hate that we have dug ourselves out of debt before and yet, we land back right where we began.  This year, we are serious.  Stephen retires in 15 years, so we really do not have a long time to keep digging ourselves out over and over again.  It is such a vicious cycle. 

I would like to think we get into debt for really good reasons, but no matter the reason, the debt still exists.

Today is a new day!  As of this moment we only owe $3,104.58 for Nolen's therapy!  

I closed two credit card accounts and have to work on closing a few more then on to paying off our house. 

Please, someone tell me this will be the last of the debt. 

Well, here's hoping.

Hair today and gone tomorrow

Short or long, he is adorable!

I cautiously and every so slightly wave the white flag

I surrender.

This voice is screaming inside my head.

I quit.

I really do not know what I am doing.  I know less today than I did 10 years ago.  How is it even possible to lose precious knowledge as I get older?  I do not think I am getting any wiser.  Just dumber. (Or is it more dumb?)

At this point in my life, I want to walk the walk of shame and drag my little white flag behind me as I realize I know nothing.  At all.  About parenting.  Or about being a wife.  Or about life in general.

I have very little knowledge about being a friend and I even manege to screw that up.  A lot.

There is no finer moment than the moment your seven year old yells from the back of the car, "I hate you! I hate school! I hate my teacher! I hate learning and I want to die and go to Hell!"

Someone please tell me this is typical seven year old behavior.  I felt defeated in that moment.  I reached for him to give him a hug and he quickly moved away from me.  Flinching as if I had the plague.

My heart hurt.  Actually, it still hurts.

His anger reminds me of my own childhood anger.  I felt constantly misunderstood.

This year I have been trying to spend more time with my children and less time with unimportant things that seem to bog me down during the typical day.  I wait until my children are in bed before I look at Facebook.  I have even slowed down blogging.  (AH!)  I have been taking my boys on lots of fun errands and trips.

Today, none of that mattered.  I was the worst mom in the world.  He begged me for a new family.  He said he didn't belong in this family.  He wants to live somewhere else with someone else who understands his seven year old plight.

Who am I to raise a child?  I am no one.  I wanted to be a fun mom.  I wanted to be the "friend" mom.  I wanted to play and play and play with my children.  Then, real life got in the way of my plans.  I was going to be the mom that all the other kids wished was there mom.  This statement so far from who I am today.

I am a mean mom.

There really is, after all, no way around it.  I was handed a serving of humble pie when Nolen was diagnosed with autism and I just can't go back to being that fun mom anymore. I worry.  A lot.

I like to space out and ignore my kids sometimes.  Do you do that?  I hear them playing their iPads and I think, oh good, they don't need me and their not fighting.  Everything is fine.  But it's not fine.

Everything is not fine.

The more I try to change, the harder it becomes.  How true is this in your life?  I feel like I make a real effort to change something about myself and the next day it is nearly impossible to even think about changing.

I don't want to give up, but seriously, I want to give up!  Can raising children please be a little bit easier and a little more fun?  Can being a wife please be just a little bit less stressful?  I've put so many expectations on myself that full filling them has become impossible.

Be skinny.
By happy.
Be a friend.
Be selfless.
Be a good mom.
Be a beautiful wife.
Be a good singer.
Be a good photographer.
Have a beautiful home.

It all sounds so easy.  But it's not.

So here I stand.  Waving my white flag begging for some relief.  I give up.  You win.

Smoothies, scriptures, and headbands

We try to start our mornings off right with a healthy, loving environment. The boys get dressed, brush their teeth, and brush their own hair. Then I make a protein smoothie packed with vitamins to help their bodies grow. I also give them probiotics and omega 3-6-9 so they can be at their optimal health before school. We also do a daily devotional to remind us that we are on this earth for a purpose. This morning I captured Edward reading a verse in the Book of Mormon. These are the days I want to remember. 

 

The Montessori Elementary School Gala

We headed to the Gala this year a little be behind schedule.  That was my fault.  I had somehow decided it started at 6:00 and not 5:00.  So as I checked the email just to gather the details at 4:30, I read that Edward needed to be at the Gala AT 4:30!!  Oh my, we were late.  All in all, it was fun to watch Edward perform.  He sang the songs this year and did the movements.  He stood front and center and was blocked by the teacher for most of the performance.  I auctioned off a family session for JMB Image for the school.  I even took a few pictures and videos of Edward at the performance.  We went out to eat afterward to celebrate Edward's performance.  All in all, a great night.