It hit me two summers ago, before my mom died, that life is extremely fragile and it goes so fast. We only get this one life to live and we are all really trying to do the best we can with the time we are given. I have also had a HUGE truth crises in my life. I found out so much information about the beginnings of my church that I have questioned EVERY SINGLE THING! And I no longer want to put my entire life into making the CHURCH happy. I have been balancing what I believe with what I really want in my life. It has not been an easy two years to navigate. I still very much make time for God in my life but I am much more guarded about what I believe and allow myself to believe based on what someone says. I have always been a truth seeker and this has lead me actually find the truth!!
That being said, Stephen and I have had some difficult conversations about what we want in our marriage going forward. Now that I know the truth about my church, I want to live the last half of my life completely different. I have different dreams and plans that do not involve giving ALL MY TIME and TALENTS to the church. However, I very much love singing in church and spending time with the friends I have made while attending this church.
This has also put my boys in a tricky situation. I told them two summers ago that I no longer believe that Joseph Smith saw God. This was a relief for Edward but this did not sit well with Nolen. We have had some long conversations about allowing others to be on their own spiritual path and making space for Jesus in our lives if we want too. I have wrestled with how to tell my friends and family as I try to decided how much of my life I want to give to the church.
To me, this has nothing to do with God. I still have a strong relationship with God. I still feel the high power in my life and believe that there is something bigger out there. I had a moment when Stephen and I were hiking last summer where I saw a bear and realized I couldn't pray to God to help me if I didn't believe in him. I do believe. I love to feel the power of what ever is bigger than me.
What does this have to do with anything? Well if you're reading this, maybe you don't know, and this is how you're finding out that I no longer believe in the stories spun by the church about Joseph Smith. For that, I am sorry. I would like to tell all my friends in person, but that simply isn't possible. I have told all my family and I told my mom before she died, but telling friends is different. We tend to distrust ex-mormons. We have been taught in church to stay away from people who will lead you away from the church. In this case, I was lead right to the absolute truth. And I am grateful for finding the truth I had been seeking my entire adult life.
This leads me to my story.
Buckle up.
Maybe, dear reader, you don't know this about me, but I am very good friends with a lot of people. Gender doesn't matter to me. I make friends where ever I go. I talk to many men. I have relationships with men that I am not married to. My husband is not concerned. Let me make that known. I have also only slept with ONE person my ENTIRE life. That is my husband. I am extremely faithful to him. I have no desire to sleep with other men at this point in my life. I have a very full and satisfied sex life. I didn't know I would need to explain myself on my blog, but here I am. Explaining to no one (because honestly, who reads this) so that the judgement that was passed on me can be eradicated.
After my amazing 20th anniversary celebration I came home happy. Satisfied. Giddy almost. Stephen and I had taken steps forward in our relationship and it felt great. I hadn't seen my friend Spencer in a while so I made breakfast plans with him for Friday morning. We had wanted to go running together (which we have done MANY times in the past) but I had hurt my calf muscle again having too much fun in bed with Stephen. So I suggest we go to breakfast.
Spencer picked me up for breakfast around 10:00 and we headed to my neighborhood cafe, Hannah and Nates. We split an omelet and chatted away about the happenings of our lives. I told him all about my fun night with Stephen and he opened up about some hard stuff happening in his life. I reached across the table and held his hand. We chatted for two hours before Spencer gave me a ride home. I then left to pick up Nolen from school at 2:50. While I was driving I received a text from the Bishops secretary asking if I had time for a meeting with the bishop on Sunday. I had previously scheduled an appointment for Nolen to visit with the bishop about getting his patriarchal blessing; however, Nolen was feeling sick. So I asked if I could just take his appointment. He said, "no, the bishop needs more time to talk to you". I spent no other time thinking about the text.
Friday night, I went to Mormon prom to chaperone and help serve food. I also spent two hours after prom mopping and cleaning the gym floor. Previous to that, I had helped set up prom on Thursday night. Saturday morning I photographed a friends wedding outside the temple. I was riding high on being busy and enjoying serving members of my church. Sunday rolled around and this was one of the first Sunday's I was able to lead the music in my ward in a while. I have been busy every Sunday since January attending ward conferences. It has been fun but also a lot of extra work on Sunday's. I smiled and enjoyed the day.
After church, I rushed to Smith's to pick up my grocery order, and then I headed home to unpack and put away the groceries. This left me just enough time to rush back to the church for my meeting with the bishop. I had assumed the meeting would be about releasing me from my music calling as I have been away for months. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I started the conversation with the bishop asking about his wife and kids. He has a son on a mission and a son about to leave for a mission. Him and his wife volunteer as leaders in the track club I ran with for seven years of my life. So I asked him how cougar track was going. All the while, the bishop was waiting to ask me a serious question. He asked, "Are you having an affair with Spencer?"
I was shocked. Sad. And hurt. I can't even really sum up all the feelings I felt in that moment because confusion quickly spread across my face. Why would he ever think I was having an affair? He has known me intimately for the last 10 years. I have worked by his side as Young Women's President for three years! I really didn't have a lot of words to say except, "NO". Then he said he heard my husband was leaving me. That is true, but not in the way he said it. Stephen is moving to San Francisco in July so that he can retire with his highest paying three years under his belt.
I truly didn't know what to say after that moment. I just got up and shook his hand and left. I called Spencer and told him and we laughed. I came home and told Stephen and he was upset that no one had even thought to contact him about the alleged affair. It was awful. Stephen texted the bishop to let him know he was upset with the way things were handled. This means that someone saw me at breakfast with Spencer and instead of coming up to me and asking me what was going on, they called my bishop. Not my husband. My bishop. Gross. I am still so upset. I spent the next few days just fuming. Someone really believed I was the type of person to cheat on my spouse. My real character was in question. I am still so upset. I truly to not have words to express how much this pushes me farther away from the church I was raised to love. The people in this ward have been my very favorite people on this planet and to be betrayed in such a fashion has been hard to swallow.
How do I go forward? I am not sure. I love my calling as the Stake Young Women's first counselor and I love leading the music, but I also do not want to go somewhere I am not wanted or needed. I would rather spend Sunday's with my family. I would rather spend ALL my extra time with my husband and give NO MORE time to the church. They no longer get that part of me. If there was ever a reason to become inactive, I feel like this is it. The ultimate betrayal. I do not know where I go from here, but as I march forward, I continue to pray that I can forgive the person who saw me holding hands with Spencer and move on.
I have been running with Pam and the flowers are in bloom every where. So I see you, God. I see you.
