Five years ago, my world was shattered. In July 2012, Stephen and I bought our dream home. Things were finally starting to feel right in my life. I was living my dream. I was singing all over town, a stay at home mom, and my life was pretty perfect.
I started to notice something different about Nolen. He was no longer talking. He was upset all the time. He had some odd behaviors that I couldn't explain. He still wasn't sleeping through the night. He was spinning in circles all the time. He was turning his cars over and spinning the wheels.
I was singing in an opera with a speech pathologist at the time and I casually mentioned to her that my son was no longer talking. She very bluntly told me that I needed to call an early intervention company. I took the phone number from her and didn't do anything for two weeks.
My mom came out to Albuquerque to help watch my boys while I sang. She mentioned he was different. My mother in law came out and she, too mentioned Nolen was different. At that point, I really had no choice but to call.
A week later, a case worker came out to our home to do a mini evaluation. She said the dreaded words, "Your son most likely has autism."
Just like that, I fell.
My entire world changed in an instant.
I went from being silly, funny, and sarcastic to feeling completely dead inside and alone. At the time, I didn't realize how this diagnosis effected me. I went in to survival mode. I started researching autism and cures. I didn't want to believe there wasn't a cure. I wanted my sweet baby back.
It felt like my 23 month old son was taken from me in that moment.
I used to say that at least with other diagnosis' you know how to treat it. With autism, there is not set way to treat the symptoms. There is no cure. There is just learning to adjust to your new normal. There is no easy medicine to give to your child to make them come back to you. These emotions are so raw, so real to me, even five years later.
If you new me back then, I apologize for not caring about you. I was not in a place where I could even see past my own little set of problems. Worst of all, this wasn't really my problem. It was my child's problem. It is Nolen who must learn to live with autism.
I have been so selfish.
I know that I was given this specific trial for a reason. I needed to learn compassion for others. I needed to step up and become the mother I always intended on becoming. I have fought so hard for my children. I had no idea the uphill battle that parents face especially when a child has a disability. I had no idea what it really felt like to be stared at for negative reasons. I had no idea what it meant to spend endless hours trying to teach your child something that came naturally to other children.
I had no idea the battles I would face.
Along with the diagnosis came the guilt. This is my fault for not holding him enough. This is my fault for leaving him each night to go sing. This is my fault for not watching what I ate during my pregnancy. This is my fault for not paying enough attention to him. This is my fault for leaving him staring at the sealing fan so I could play with Edward. This is my fault for not recognizing the signs sooner. This is my fault for not holding him right after he was born. This was my fault.
For the last five years, I have felt like I am drowning.
It seems like every time I can start swimming, something else is thrown my way. I realize now that EVERYONE feels this way. I finally get to a great place only to discover the rules of the game have changed again. I have to stay one step ahead or I lose it all again.
Over the years, I have spent countless hours with Nolen teaching the simple things. I remember the first time he said, "Good night, Mom!" I remember the first time he looked me in the eyes. I remember the first time he spoke again. I remember the pain and agony I felt of many sleepless night because Nolen just couldn't stay asleep. I remember potty training and the endless hours of crying just trying to teach my child to use the potty. I remember countless hours of therapy. I remember the many people that reached out to me to help. I remember the hours and hours of teaching him how to eat.
To this day, it is still hard to look at a healthy two year old knowing my memories of Nolen have been high jacked by hours of therapy.
I will never forget these last five years. They made me into the person I am today. Stronger. Wiser. More loving. Selfless. Compassionate. They made me better. Autism made me better.
Tonight, at 2 AM, my sweet Nolen got up out of bed and came in and woke me up. He said, "Mom, I lost my blankies." I know this seems so trivial to some, but the fact that my child can speak to me in full sentences and tell me how he feels is a miracle. Endless hours of speech therapy have given my child the ability to communicate clearly. I got out of bed and plodded across the loft to his room. Indeed, he was correct. All of his blankets were on the other side of the room. I picked them up and covered him up so he could go back to sleep.
This little boy of mine is brilliant. He works hard every single day to do things that we take for granted. I have truly witnessed a miracle in my life. I watched a child fight for his life. I would do it all again, if it meant that I could hear my son speak. I would would dip into our retirement or mortgage our home again to pay for all the therapy's just to see him have a successful life.
I would go through all the heart ache and pain so that I could grow as a person. I know I have many more mountains to climb in my life. I know Nolen has challenges that are heading his way that he can overcome. Autism has taught me more about myself in the last five years than I learned in the first thirty years of my life.
Thank you to every single therapist, teacher, friend, and family member for supporting Nolen and me through out the last five years. I certainly couldn't have made it this far with out the amazing support from you.
You can read my first initial post about autism
HERE.
