Things I think about but never say: My heart hurts. My life is beautiful because I made it beautiful. I used to believe it was because I had the light of Christ in my eyes. I know now it is because I chose happiness daily. I recognize now that all those choices of happiness have lead to my beautiful life. I love my life. I have built a place myself. I worked on myself. I was so worried what my life would look like in my 20's. So I worked. I worked hard. I CHANGED! I did it. God didn't change me. Jesus didn't save me. I saved myself. I wanted love. I found it. I created it. I don't use shame to raise my children. I adore them. I love who they are. I love who they are becoming. I wanted them to know truth so I sought it out. I found it. Love comes from within us. Happiness comes from within us. We create it. Not God. Not the people around us. We create it for ourselves. I am happy because I choose to be happy daily. I wanted certain things in my life so I sought them out and built the life I wanted. I did it. It was me. I am the hard worker. I am the one who wanted beauty. I sacrificed. I listened to my inner self and pushed the limits of what was possible. Was I held back by my religious upbringing. Yes. Do I blame the people around me for that? No. Did they do their absolute best to help shape me? Yes. I really believe we are the god's of our own lives. If you see something you want then go after it. I wasn't sure how to do that in my 20's but I am so glad I found my own path. My own voice. I have kept up on this blog for nearly 20 years. It is incredible to see how I have grown and changed from the girl I once was to the woman I am today. I have made some choices recently to make my life even more beautiful. To share love with so many other people and it was blessed my life much more than I ever thought possible. I am more in love with my husband than ever. I adore him. He is the RIGHT person for me. We have grown up so much over the last 20 years. We are the best versions of ourselves right now. I am so glad that I was able to break the mold and follow my heart. I love my heart. I love so deeply. I love so many people. I am so scared to say out loud that I no longer want to practice orthodox mormanism. I no longer want to be seated at that table. I have done all I was sent to do. I have a different path now. I will take from religion what I want. NOT what it wants from me. Not any more. I will not be a prisoner to the orthodox religion that raised me. That held me back instead of pushing me forward. I have often felt incapable. Why? Mostly because I wasn't born with a penis. And that sucked. I see so much more beauty for myself now. I am a woman. I love being a woman. I wish I could have seen that years ago. I wish I could have known that I am capable of living the most incredible life without one simple appendage. I wonder if my mom felt like this when she went back to college in her mid forty's. I'll never get to know. She is gone. But what I know now.... I am more! I can be more. I don't think I realized how much I was held back because of things I was told as a girl. A girl is powerful. SO POWERFUL! A woman is incredible. She is strong. She is wise. She is more. MORE! So, today, I shout out loud that I am done being held back and staying silent to fit in to a mold I was never meant to fit into. I am more.
