10 Years in Vegas

 TEN YEARS celebrating our friendship and love of family in Las Vegas, Nevada!

This year was extra special because we celebrated our 10th year of visiting Vegas with all of my siblings.  We try to do a fun sibling trip once a year and the easiest place to gather is in Las Vegas, Nevada.  We started the trip off with meeting up for an Illusion Museum near the Bellagio.   It was mostly lights and was really cool to walk through.  

Stephen and I checked in to our hotel after we landed.  We stayed in a hotel off the strip because I had a free room for the week.  I had purchased a package from Princess Promotions last year for my cruise and I only had one year to use it, so this was the trip.  We were about a half mile off the strip so it was a little bit of a trek to meet up with the group, but overall not too bad.  I do enjoy walking and getting exercise so this helped.  We had a two room suite with a dinning room, kitchen, and living room.

After the Illusion Museum, we headed to dinner at Yard Bird.  We were really lucky and got a room all to ourselves.  We had a few extra people join us this year so it was a big group.  Dinner was good, but I think the bill got all mixed up. Sometimes that just drives me crazy when restaurants can not separate the bill correctly.  

 After dinner at Yard Bird we went to see Shim Lin.  I actually did not think he was that great.  He is a magician and he was extremely stiff.  He had another magician that came out between his acts and he was hilarious and really fun to watch.  

Monday morning I got up early to run and lift weights, and then, Stephen and I headed over to Sidelle's in the Bellagio.  This is my favorite restaurant on the strip BY FAR!  I love their french toast.  I could eat it every single day while in vegas! 

I booked us a fun family outing to "The Greatest Gameshow" after breakfast.  It was really fun to play all the games against my siblings and their spouses.  My team lost, but that's fine.  We truly had a blast!

 

After the Game Show, we split up and the girls went shopping while the boys went to gamble.  I found a few fun things while out shopping but I didn't really spend much money.  After shopping we went to dinner at Gymkhana.  Go ahead and skip that place.  It was WAY over priced and the food was not good.  We spent $2500 for 10 people.  Gross.  After the WAY over priced dinner, we headed to the Sphere to watch the Wizard of Oz.  It was pretty cool but yet another experience I could live without.  I am glad I have done it once, but, again, it was overpriced for what you actually got.  There was a live orchestra so that was really cool and the effects were awesome but the AI was terrible.  

Tuesday morning I woke up and headed went for a walk with Craig, Blair, Kendra, and Mike.  It was a little breezy in Vegas in the morning but not bad.  Tuesday was Spa Day so after our walk we met up at the spa at the Aria.  All the rest of my family stayed at the Aria so most of my walking was back and forth from there.  The spa was relaxing but again, over priced for what you actually get.  We all hung out in the out door pool for a few hours and then I got ready in the spa alone.  We went to dinner at Din Tai Fung at the Aria and it was actually really good!  I enjoyed the food.  We went to Carrot Top after dinner and laughed and laughed.

 

Wednesday was cabana day.  We also did cabana day at the Aria.  Sharla and Jon were the only two people to actually get in the pool.  I snoozed in the shade and just relaxed.  We played a really heated game of "would you rather" and I think I won.  HA! I would try anything once.  We just watched Craig gamble away $1500 on a machine that night so it was rather boring.  We had planned to do Karaoke but Craig really wanted to do one of the expensive machines so we did that instead.  

 

I really enjoyed my time with Stephen this Vegas trip.  We usually don't spend a ton of time together because he is with Craig gambling a lot.  We don't have a lot of money this year because we are moving to San Fransisco so this was a good time to just spend less money and more time together.  It really was relaxing and beautiful.

And then everything falls apart

 You know when you are just walking along in life having the absolute best life?  Well that's me.  I am so extremely happy.  Sure, there are things in my life that could be better.  AND there are things I could do in my life to make the people around me have better lives, but honestly, I am truly doing the very best I can.  I have two happy teenage boys who very much like to keep to themselves and a husband who is supported with love.  I love all of my friends dearly and try to keep up with almost ALL of them. I go to lunch with a lot of my girlfriends and plan girls nights for the ladies who can't meet during the day.  I feed my dad dinner nearly every night and make sure he feels loved and supported.  I do my church calling, which if I haven't updated on that, I am the Stake Young Women's first counselor!  So it is a bigger calling with a lot more meetings.  I love so deeply.  I love SO SO Many people.  I am trying to make so many people happy and at the same time I am trying to figure out what I want out of this life.  I am turning 45 in a few months and I am very much living MID LIFE! 

 It hit me two summers ago, before my mom died, that life is extremely fragile and it goes so fast.  We only get this one life to live and we are all really trying to do the best we can with the time we are given.  I have also had a HUGE truth crises in my life.  I found out so much information about the beginnings of my church that I have questioned EVERY SINGLE THING! And I no longer want to put my entire life into making the CHURCH happy.  I have been balancing what I believe with what I really want in my life.  It has not been an easy two years to navigate.  I still very much make time for God in my life but I am much more guarded about what I believe and allow myself to believe based on what someone says.  I have always been a truth seeker and this has lead me actually find the truth!!  

That being said, Stephen and I have had some difficult conversations about what we want in our marriage going forward.  Now that I know the truth about my church, I want to live the last half of my life completely different.  I have different dreams and plans that do not involve giving ALL MY TIME and TALENTS to the church.  However, I very much love singing in church and spending time with the friends I have made while attending this church.  

This has also put my boys in a tricky situation.  I told them two summers ago that I no longer believe that Joseph Smith saw God.  This was a relief for Edward but this did not sit well with Nolen.  We have had some long conversations about allowing others to be on their own spiritual path and making space for Jesus in our lives if we want too.  I have wrestled with how to tell my friends and family as I try to decided how much of my life I want to give to the church.  

To me, this has nothing to do with God.  I still have a strong relationship with God. I still feel the high power in my life and believe that there is something bigger out there.  I had a moment when Stephen and I were hiking last summer where I saw a bear and realized I couldn't pray to God to help me if I didn't believe in him.  I do believe.  I love to feel the power of what ever is bigger than me. 

What does this have to do with anything?  Well if you're reading this, maybe you don't know, and this is how you're finding out that I no longer believe in the stories spun by the church about Joseph Smith.  For that, I am sorry. I would like to tell all my friends in person, but that simply isn't possible.  I have told all my family and I told my mom before she died, but telling friends is different.  We tend to distrust ex-mormons.   We have been taught in church to stay away from people who will lead you away from the church.  In this case, I was lead right to the absolute truth.  And I am grateful for finding the truth I had been seeking my entire adult life.  

 

This leads me to my story.  

Buckle up. 

Maybe, dear reader, you don't know this about me, but I am very good friends with a lot of people.  Gender doesn't matter to me. I make friends where ever I go. I talk to many men.  I have relationships with men that I am not married to.  My husband is not concerned.  Let me make that known.  I have also only slept with ONE person my ENTIRE life.  That is my husband.  I am extremely faithful to him.  I have no desire to sleep with other men at this point in my life.  I have a very full and satisfied sex life.  I didn't know I would need to explain myself on my blog, but here I am. Explaining to no one (because honestly, who reads this) so that the judgement that was passed on me can be eradicated.  

After my amazing 20th anniversary celebration I came home happy.  Satisfied.  Giddy almost.  Stephen and I had taken steps forward in our relationship and it felt great.  I hadn't seen my friend Spencer in a while so I made breakfast plans with him for Friday morning.  We had wanted to go running together (which we have done MANY times in the past) but I had hurt my calf muscle again having too much fun in bed with Stephen.  So I suggest we go to breakfast.  

Spencer picked me up for breakfast around 10:00 and we headed to my neighborhood cafe, Hannah and Nates.  We split an omelet and chatted away about the happenings of our lives.  I told him all about my fun night with Stephen and he opened up about some hard stuff happening in his life. I reached across the table and held his hand.  We chatted for two hours before Spencer gave me a ride home.  I then left to pick up Nolen from school at 2:50.  While I was driving I received a text from the Bishops secretary asking if I had time for a meeting with the bishop on Sunday.   I had previously scheduled an appointment for Nolen to visit with the bishop about getting his patriarchal blessing; however, Nolen was feeling sick.  So I asked if I could just take his appointment.  He said, "no, the bishop needs more time to talk to you".  I spent no other time thinking about the text. 

Friday night, I went to Mormon prom to chaperone and  help serve food.  I also spent two hours after prom mopping and cleaning the gym floor. Previous to that, I had helped set up prom on Thursday night.  Saturday morning I photographed a friends wedding outside the temple.  I was riding high on being busy and enjoying serving members of my church.  Sunday rolled around and this was one of the first Sunday's I was able to lead the music in my ward in a while. I have been busy every Sunday since January attending ward conferences.  It has been fun but also a lot of extra work on Sunday's.  I smiled and enjoyed the day.  

After church, I rushed to Smith's to pick up my grocery order, and then I headed home to unpack and put away the groceries.  This left me just enough time to rush back to the church for my meeting with the bishop.  I had assumed the meeting would be about releasing me from my music calling as I have been away for months.  I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  

I started the conversation with the bishop asking about his wife and kids.  He has a son on a mission and a son about to leave for a mission.  Him and his wife volunteer as leaders in the track club I ran with for seven years of my life.  So I asked him how cougar track was going.  All the while, the bishop was waiting to ask me a serious question.  He asked, "Are you having an affair with Spencer?"  

I was shocked.  Sad.  And hurt.  I can't even really sum up all the feelings I felt in that moment because confusion quickly spread across my face.  Why would he ever think I was having an affair?  He has known me intimately for the last 10 years.  I have worked by his side as Young Women's President for three years!   I really didn't have a lot of words to say except, "NO".  Then he said he heard my husband was leaving me.  That is true, but not in the way he said it.  Stephen is moving to San Francisco in July so that he can retire with his highest paying three years under his belt.  

I truly didn't know what to say after that moment.  I just got up and shook his hand and left.  I called Spencer and told him and we laughed.  I came home and told Stephen and he was upset that no one had even thought to contact him about the alleged affair.  It was awful.  Stephen texted the bishop to let him know he was upset with the way things were handled.  This means that someone saw me at breakfast with Spencer and instead of coming up to me and asking me what was going on, they called my bishop.  Not my husband.  My bishop.  Gross.  I am still so upset.  I spent the next few days just fuming.  Someone really believed I was the type of person to cheat on my spouse.  My real character was in question.  I am still so upset.  I truly to not have words to express how much this pushes me farther away from the church I was raised to love.  The people in this ward have been my very favorite people on this planet and to be betrayed in such a fashion has been hard to swallow.  

How do I go forward? I am not sure.  I love my calling as the Stake Young Women's first counselor and I love leading the music, but I also do not want to go somewhere I am not wanted or needed.  I would rather spend Sunday's with my family.  I would rather spend ALL my extra time with my husband and give NO MORE time to the church.  They no longer get that part of me.  If there was ever a reason to become inactive, I feel like this is it.  The ultimate betrayal.  I do not know where I go from here, but as I march forward, I continue to pray that I can forgive the person who saw me holding hands with Spencer and move on.  

 I have been running with Pam and the flowers are in bloom every where.  So I see you, God.  I see you.