Do you read The Weed?
No, then check it out. Yes, then you know what a check in is all about.
Physically: I am less than what I usually am. I have been working out but it has been half hearted. I really wanted to take a break from working out in December but knew that it would impact the way I felt about myself. Therefore, I have done these "half" workouts where I just do the bare minimum to keep some kind of muscle tone. In effect, I have lost muscle tone but haven't gained weight. Lets just say, this isn't good for my self esteem.
Emotionally: I am a wreck. I have experienced many highs and lows in my life; however, the past few months have offered me a new sense of low. I can honestly say I hadn't felt this kind of despair and sadness in my entire life. I can remember a time when Stephen broke-up with me and I cried for three days then we got back together. That was pretty hard. The trials I am facing in my life now are much deeper and harder. They are literally forcing me to grow. UGH! I am fighting it tooth and nail. I can't see a positive in my current situation. I see the light then I lose it. Really, two of my current trials only impact me and aren't actually happening to me. The other two directly impact me and they are the two I am less stressed about. I keep hoping I am going to get out of this funk; however, it doesn't happen. I know that these four trials are not going to be forever, but two of them will last a life time. One will last for a while and hopefully resolve by surgery or just go away on its own. The last is only financial and inconsequential really.
Do I have it altogether? No. Am I getting there? Baby steps.
Spiritually: Distant. I need answers to prayers but I am not actually praying the right prayers. I am, again, doing the bare minimum. I am dealing with my trials but have a hope that Heavenly Father will just take them all away so I can forget this stuff ever happened.
Goal: Take a baby step. Exercise harder so I can at least feel better. Take another baby step. Understand that Nolen will be who he is and it may not be OK but this is his life. Take another baby step and get healthy.
*I am not trying to be cryptic, I just don't think people want to hear me complain about my trials. If you do, I will be glad to tell you. Feel free to message me or call.
3 comments:
Julie, I feel bad that I don't even know all the trials you are talking about. :-( I would not mind listening to you talk about them at all (though e-mail or IM or in person might be better than blog).
I don't know if I can help at all, but I'm willing to try. :-)
You have a blog for more than one reason...it is theraputic to write about our feelings, even if they are less desirable at the moment. Let it out, girl! God knows I have! ;) If you ever need to talk, I am here, and I mean that with every fiber of my being!! I am a great listener, and if you need advice, I am good at that, too. Life is too short to go through it with heavy hearts...lean on people when you need it. :)
None of this sounds like complaining, but positive honest sharing. Checking in. Sharing our truths, good or bad, connects us and makes us all stronger in our own paths. I don't know all of your trials, but I know what it is to be lost and to fight change and how hard it is when you cannot see the light. I admire your ability to look at yourself so honestly, address things head on by making real and concrete baby steps toward a manageable goal. Take control of what you can and let go of what you cannot. I feel for you and hope you find some peace in this journey.
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