Things I think about

 

 Things I think about but never say: My heart hurts.  My life is beautiful because I made it beautiful.  I used to believe it was because I had the light of Christ in my eyes.  I know now it is because I chose happiness daily.  I recognize now that all those choices of happiness have lead to my beautiful life.  I love my life.  I have built a place myself.  I worked on myself.  I was so worried what my life would look like in my 20's.  So I worked.  I worked hard.  I CHANGED! I did it.  God didn't change me.  Jesus didn't save me.  I saved myself.  I wanted love.  I found it.  I created it.  I don't use shame to raise my children.  I adore them.  I love who they are.  I love who they are becoming.  I wanted them to know truth so I sought it out.  I found it.  Love comes from within us.  Happiness comes from within us.  We create it.  Not God.  Not the people around us.  We create it for ourselves.  I am happy because I choose to be happy daily.  I wanted certain things in my life so I sought them out and built the life I wanted.  I did it.  It was me.  I am the hard worker.  I am the one who wanted beauty.  I sacrificed.  I listened to my inner self and pushed the limits of what was possible.  Was I held back by my religious upbringing.  Yes.  Do I blame the people around me for that?  No.  Did they do their absolute best to help shape me?  Yes.  I really believe we are the god's of our own lives.  If you see something you want then go after it.  I wasn't sure how to do that in my 20's but I am so glad I found my own path.  My own voice.  I have kept up on this blog for nearly 20 years.  It is incredible to see how I have grown and changed from the girl I once was to the woman I am today.  I have made some choices recently to make my life even more beautiful.  To share love with so many other people and it was blessed my life much more than I ever thought possible.  I am more in love with my husband than ever.  I adore him.  He is the RIGHT person for me.  We have grown up so much over the last 20 years.  We are the best versions of ourselves right now. I am so glad that I was able to break the mold and follow my heart.  I love my heart.  I love so deeply.  I love so many people.  I am so scared to say out loud that I no longer want to practice orthodox mormanism.  I no longer want to be seated at that table.  I have done all I was sent to do.  I have a different path now.  I will take from religion what I want. NOT what it wants from me.  Not any more. I will not be a prisoner to the orthodox religion that raised me.  That held me back instead of pushing me forward. I have often felt incapable.  Why? Mostly because I wasn't born with a penis.  And that sucked.  I see so much more beauty for myself now. I am a woman.  I love being a woman.  I wish I could have seen that years ago.  I wish I could have known that I am capable of living the most incredible life without one simple appendage.  I wonder if my mom felt like this when she went back to college in her mid forty's.  I'll never get to know.  She is gone.  But what I know now.... I am more! I can be more.  I don't think I realized how much I was held back because of things I was told as a girl.  A girl is powerful.  SO POWERFUL!  A woman is incredible.  She is strong.  She is wise.  She is more.  MORE!  So, today, I shout out loud that I am done being held back and staying silent to fit in to a mold I was never meant to fit into.  I am more.